Like me, you’ve probably rolled your eyes more than once while reading the slick market-ese prose in cigar catalogs and retail websites. This cigar is the best ever made. That one is incredibly rare and worth twice the price. It’s hard not to chuckle when you read comparisons made between mediocre cigars and top of the line luxury cars. And it’s downright entertaining to read the rationalization made for pricing the “Holy Grail” of rolled tobacco at closeout prices. (Don’t even get me started on “pre-embargo” cuban cigars!)
Which is why the following real cigar ads are a breath of fresh air. Even more important, these brutally honest blurbs are even funnier any of the most ridiculously flattering catalog write ups. We begin with the “Fat Cat”:
Fat…not Phat Cat.
This cigar is marginal at best. Somewhat acrid with a foul aroma and unappealing wrapper. Don’t buy this. (Original ad)
When was the last time you saw a retail tell you not to buy a cigar? In print?
A “Don Nobody” you absolutely should not even consider buying. This medium-bodied smoke – despite its 80-cent price tag – can only be justified if you’re knee-deep in the sauce and not thinking straight. (Original ad)
Ah yes, the favored smoke of the pathologically intoxicated. Excellent!
Smooth, but questionable at best.
Who are we kidding? This thing was DOA from day one. The artwork is atrocious, the name remarkably bad, the blend not much better. Run my friend. Run fast and far, no matter how the price might tempt you. (Original ad)
I’m just glad they held back from telling us about the manufacturer’s mother.
And saving the best for last…
To be completely honest with you…These cigars aren’t all that good. In fact, they may even be a tad below average… You could probably take an old newspaper and roll it up with dog turds, and sell it for more money than we’re charging for these Bottom-Shelf bundles! (Original ad)
But in this case, the epic battle of quality versus price tag turns to the favor of the cigar. (At least in the mind of the author.) But I love how the author provides the reader with a clever way to recycle, save money and enjoy a fresh-rolled dog rocket.
Oh yes, I really should acknowledge that getting these incredible gems from the folks over at CigarLive. (Kudos to robisjebus and canny for the classic discoveries!)