If Old Saint Nick was a Cigar Smoker

Stogie Talk6 Comments on If Old Saint Nick was a Cigar Smoker

If Old Saint Nick was a Cigar Smoker

A few days back, we announced the winner of our Day 2 Contest for the Second Annual Stogie Review 12 Days of Christmas. In that announcement, I made mention that we planned to share with you the other entries that we received. This post is going to do just that.

Dave (dk_fxn):

On Christmas Eve, Santa flies on his sleigh from house to house to house. Many houses are close together and Santa is in a constant stop and go motion. He would love a nice lengthy cigar, but unfortunately he hasn’t the time. On Christmas Eve, santa needs something special, something compact that won’t take up too much room in the sleigh and the cigar he chooses is the Tatuaje Noella Reserva. The limited nature of this cigar isn’t the only thing that makes it special; the name Noella is a variant of the Old Frence Noelle which means “Christmas”

Joseph M:

Remember I did not name this cigar! This may not be PC, but it is the truth and the reason for the season…

He would smoke a Kinky Friedman Texas Jewboy. Obviously Santa owes a lot of his success to the little jewish baby boy, Jesus, because after all if it wasn’t for Jesus’s birth in Bethlehem Santa would probably be out of a job! Also, what better place for Santa to take a break and smoke it on that cold winter’s eve of Christ’s birthday then right here in Bethlehem, PA, The Christmas City and home to Cigars International.

No way someone else combined Santa, Bethlehem, Christmas, Jesus Christ, Jews, a cigar retailer, and cigars together for this contest!!!! Winner right there!

Jerry K:

IF Santa was a cigar smoker?!

What?! He’s not a cigar smoker??

Come on – no one could be THAT jolly without a reprieve from the holiday stress of manufacturing delays, labor disputes (I hear the ELF Union is full of hard-asses), delivery problems, & border crossings. Of course Santa is a cigar smoker!

He smokes a very custom made Opus X Quad-Color Culebra cigar that he shares with the head elves of labor union (Assembly and delivery division) and the occasional UPS man who helps him out in a pinch! This cigar’s four-color wrapper reminds old St. Nick of the candy canes he leaves in stockings and on tree limbs for the kiddies, while the shape is a constant reminder of how the lives and happiness of Brothers and Sisters of the Leaf worldwide are intertwined towards a that single perfect moment of Nirvana only accomplished through the magic of a fine cigar.

He had his sleigh retro-fitted with an in-dash Humidor (pure snow serves as the humidity agent) and VERY windproof torch lighter.

Ernie P:

He would have 2009 Oliva Serie V Liga Especial Sampler and Box of 5 Cain F Cigars on his sleigh ride around the world just for me. And when I awoke on the second day of X-mas me and Santa would sit down for a smoke and coffee.

James K:

I think that Saint Nick would smoke a presidente sized cigar due to the long time that he has to be in the air. It would have to be something tasty too. I think it would be the presidente size of the Rocky Patel 1990 Vintage. That sounds good to me!

Paul M:

If old Saint Nicholas were to smoke a cigar while doing his annual rounds it would be a Natural Dirt by Drew Estate. I feel that this is true because Old Saint Nick was originally from Lycia, which was a province in the area we now know as Turkey. So naturally he would want some black Turkish tobacco and the use of a hookah in a moving vehicle is a pretty terrible idea. The old man is known to have quite the sweet tooth so this one seems right up his alley. Obviously he would use some Yule time magic to keep it burning for the entire night.

Mike H:

Jolly Old St. Nick obviously is a cigar smoker, and I think he’d probably smoke an Illusione 88, given a choice.

You see, with that twinkle in his eye, it’s clear that Santa has a mischievous streak. What better way to mix a little mischief into Christmas than with a tasty cigar from a line that explores the conspiracy theories surrounding Christianity? None, I tell you!

And why the 88, you ask? While it may not directly reference the above conspiracies, it certainly captures the Christmas spirit in a cigar: the woody, warm spices, the pistachio undertones (aren’t pistachios out in a little bowl at everyone’s house near Christmas?). The bitter chocolate through the middle and on the finish, evoking the mug of hot cocoa you wrap your hands around to defrost after coming in from the snow. And there’s something else there, too- something you can’t quite put your finger on. An extra little present, if you will.

I like to think Santa Claus keeps up with the times. He needs to keep himself young somehow. Every now and then he needs something a little off the beaten path. When he must traverse the entire earth in a single night, an Illusione 88 is just the cigar he’d reach for: unique, but still classic, nostalgia-inducing, but with a hint of mystery.

Anthony L:

Everyone knows Santa could only smoke a Goliath from Mike’s Cigars. 10X66 baby, what else could last long enough and give enough warmth for a trip around the world?

Jordan (cavsfan8):

If Santa was a cigar smoker, I think it’s pretty obvious that he would smoke the “Mi Barrio” line. “Mi Barrio” translates directly to “my neighborhood”, and that’s where Santa makes his magic happen every year – in neighborhoods all around the world. He gives so much to neighborhoods each Christmas, and this particular cigar allows “my neighborhood” to give something back to him: a great tasting smoke and relaxation while he’s smoking it.

David Z:

After much internal debate I have decided there could only be one smoke worthy of Santa’s palate on Christmas Eve.

This is a cigar which I have heard about but never actually seen. It is rarer than the famed Opus X and one cigar is worth the price of a box of premium smokes. This cigar is the…….hecho a macho mano, long filler…..

Vintage 1492 Gran Master Epicurian Reserva Especial Edicion Limitada exclusivo, rare specially aged super-duper fuerte primo supremo Platinum Club Artisan’s selection Cuban-grade signature series XVII habanos-style Flor de la Kris Kringle classic.

A rare cigar of this pedigree and stature would surely delight Santa’s tastebuds and reward him for all the hard work he does throughout the year for the children. If I could only get my hands on one and deliver it to Santa in time for Christmas!

Aron L:

If I was St. Nick, and had all of the money in the world, (how else can he afford to buy the components to make toys for all the little girls and boys of the world?), I’d probably be smoking two 2005 Opus X BBMF’s at a time with the cigar holder from the movie Hook which actually held two at once! (Sadly, I can’t find an image, but it was inserted into the same slot into which Capt. Hook placed his similarly-named device).

The reason I chose these, are because they are the closest that Opus X makes (or made) to salomons, and as any cigar aficionado worth his salt knows, these are the most difficult cigars to roll, as well as the most complicated, taste-wise.

I would figure that he has a whole box (or several) to last him his twenty-four journey, as well as a beautiful limited-edition Cartier or ST Dupont lighter. A guys gotta have nice things, no?

Ray (debo0775):

Old Saint Nick is a jolly old fellow who spreads the ideas of love, joy, and friendship around the world. As a cigar smoker, we’d expect him to enjoy something rare, ‘expensive’, and overwhelmingly delicious. Contrary to that idea, Santa Claus is a bit of a masochist. He can only experience and share so many good feelings, so a little self harm and self degregation is needed on his 24 hour trip. Because of that, O.S.N. would reach deeply into his sack on his trip around the world and share the thoughts and feelings of another…shall we say ‘famous’ holiday icon. Yes, that’s right, O.S.N. would decide to smoke the cigar so eloquently brought to us by the one and only Jerry McCruz – the Camacho Candela. It’s subtle hints of grass and barnyard remind Mr. Claus of his stables where his 7 reindeer (Dasher and Blitzen were recently arrested for drug trafficking) reside, and its offensive stench guarantees that after his marathon of gift-giving, Mrs. Claus will stay away from his foul-smelling body and push her persistent nagging off for another day.

And that’s that. Thanks for putting this together, guys!

Ryan C:

We all know that Santa isn’t real. But what if he was. What if he could fly all around the world and make all the people (who believe in Jesus and not Muhammad or some other irrational prophet) happy. If there was a way for a guy to fly in a sleigh full of millions of presents propelled by 8 flying deer he would need something strong to smoke all night. When all the Christian’s wake up and look under the tree, which for some reason is in the house, Santa had to have put them there. But how? He would need something to keep him going. They lead you to believe that Santa lives in the North Pole but compared to flying with deer that’s just insane. To be equally insane in my thinking I would like to believe Santa lives somewhere in Central America who is the kingpin of a processing plant that manufactures tobacco and numerous drugs. Think about it, does Santa sound North Poley to you? It sounds Spanish. Though, if there was a way for our Central American, drug kingpin to fly, on Christmas Eve every year Santa would have his latino workers (who could quite easily be confused with being short and elf-like) to craft him a 9×50 cigar chock full of ligero, cocaine, and just the right amount of acid and marijuana to make him believe he is flying with deer and delivering presents to Christians. Santa is real, he lives in Central America growing tobacco, cocaine and marijuana. He gives those presents to us in the United States every day of the year instead of just 1. Thank you Mexican Santa, thank you very much.

Weelok:

In pondering this question, I thought of what criteria would make up a good cigar for a sleigh ride. Well, first, can’t have one that has a loose ash. That suit of Saint Nicks is probably fire proof as he dives down chimney’s so maybe that’s not a problem after all. The next criteria is the cigar has to have some serious Vitamin N. He’s pulling an all nighter and a little nicotine will come in handy. But what else is Saint Nick worried about? I’d say it’s got to be a cigar that everyone can smoke as he’s an ambassador of good will.

Being the ambassador of good will is a heavy burden. He might have to set aside his Cuban’s for the evening at least while flying over America. Getting stuck in customs would seriously slow things down. But what other problems will Saint Nick have?

Being the serious cigar smoker that he is, Saint Nick smokes his cigars to the nub. He relies on reviewers that smoke past the first inch so where is a fat man in a red suit to turn? In Saint Nick’s quest to get up to date cigar news and reviews where they smoke to the nub, he turns to Stogie Review. And being the clever guy that Saint Nick is, he flies around smoking the number 1 cigar of the year recommended by the fine staff of Stogie Review. Here is his last problem. Looking back to 2008, the number 1 cigars were:

Walt – Padilla 1932
Jerry – Well, Jerry didn’t pick a singular number 1 so Saint Nick smokes Jerry’sTop 10 year around
Brian – Alec Bradley Tempus Novo Terra

So now to pick Saint Nick’s cigar. It’s the Alec Bradley Tempus Novo Terra by an inch. Burn issues aside, it’s the Vitamin N that won him over.

Jason T:

I see Santa smoking a Cohiba Siglo VI Gran Reserva. Now Santa is more of a pipe man. He only smokes cigars in the sleigh. So, if you are only going to smoke one kind of cigar a year, you may as well do it in style. They aren’t illegal for him. So you may as well go for the best.

Stephen B:

I would have to think that if Santa were a cigar smoker, he’d have no choice but to go with a Puros Indios Chief. At 18 inches and a 66 ring gauge, he needs something that will last for the long haul.

Scott S:

First off, “if” old Saint Nick smoked cigars is factually wrong. He does. If you had to do that much work all year, you’d be reaching for a cigar and a scotch too. So the question is not if he smokes, but what he smokes. Originally, I thought it would be a huge double Churchill kinda cigar; something he could smoke the duration of the night. But this got me thinking: how would he get up and down chimneys? He’d have to crane his neck back just to fit the thing in there and he’d end up with a crick by house twelve. So the huge cigar is a no-go. Then I thought, maybe he smokes a lot of shorter coronas or petit coronas. But then I thought “that’s not possible!”. In order for him to make his rounds overnight, that jolly little porker’s gotta be doing a buck or a buck ten a SECOND. At 110 MPS, a corona would burn down in milliseconds due to all that wind. So…maybe not the corona. Then, the final thought came to me. This man is stuck behind nine reindeer for the entirety of his night. Nine living, breathing, well-fed and well-watered reindeer…and no windshield. How can you enjoy ANYTHING, let alone cigar, in that situation?

So…my answer? He doesn’t smoke on his mystical sleigh ride. He waits until home.

Danny P:

Santa would need something that is going to last his entire trip, and something that is going to burn straight regardless of the weather. Since I cant see him reaching for his lighter every five minutes, so my money is on Santa Smoking a Padron Magnum.

Paul H:

Santa would smoke a hand rolled special blend that is crafted by his elf, Robusto. Robusto has extensive Cuban heritage and has honed his rolling skills during his years making candy canes for all the boys and girls through out the world.

The cigar is one of a kind maduro (you might find a few factory seconds for sale on the internet) 5X48 in size but seemingly never ending and just long enough to last a trip around the globe. The complexity and flavor change as he passes through each time zone. Flavors start out sweet with peppermint then cookies & cream. As Santa works in the middle the flavors become more bold with hints of coffee and cocoa.

The ash burns even and clean (but what does it matter when you are up and down chimneys all night) Santa savors every puff and holds on until the little nub burns his finger tips covered white gloves. Santa looks forward to this treat each year as much he anticipates delivering toys to all the boys and girls.

The real question is: What beverage does Santa pair with his favorite smoke?

TRIMARKC:

If old Saint Nick was a cigar smoker, I believe he would be chain smoking Graycliff Crystal Blend Salamones on his sleigh ride around the world because these are great, long-smoking cigars, with a wonderful, smooth smoke and just the right amount of nicotine to keep the old guy rolling along without getting a head buzz.

Once again, I would like to thank everyone that took the time to submit an entry. I would also like to congratulate Dave from Philly for his winning entry.

enjoying cigars since 2005

6 thoughts on “If Old Saint Nick was a Cigar Smoker

  1. hahahah, now that’s funny. Other then the Opus X, no other cigar was the same. And even the Opus X’s were different with one being a version that is custom. Very nicely done all.

  2. Man, I completely see why DaveZ was bitter that he didn’t win…


    ….
    …..
    ……
    …..
    ….

    …lol.

    *Note: I say that in jest. The guys here were nice enough to put together a contest – we aren’t entitled to anything (hell, we just had to spend 5 minutes and type something up for a chance to win), so just sit back and enjoy the Christmas cheer and see some sweet entries from other people in the meantime.

  3. I had fun reading these. Nice job everyone.

    PS. i need to brag for a second. Just got a Tatuaje black tubo last night from holts. 14 bucks. I’m excited, had to tell someone, and since none of my friends would care/know what i’m talking about, i told you guys.

    Merry Christmas, Go Birdz,
    DavefromPhilly

  4. I just got back from a Christmas Eve party and had been drinkin again. All I have to say is mine had to be the most creative. Correct me if I’m wrong.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.

Back To Top